Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Bro what is this
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
classic mixup
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.