In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
me doing my best
How about daylight saves us for once
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon