Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.