please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I think they could have phrased this better
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
same energy
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.