Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?