My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My Plans 2020
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.