No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.