SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
You Might Also Like
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Weirdos gonna weird.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?