Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.