When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Ron is short for Aaronald
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave