I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
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My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?