I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
You Might Also Like
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull