Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop