My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
You Might Also Like
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.