Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
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I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
When someone says you are so lazy
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game