Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
U talkin 2 me?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.