What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.