Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“How’s your day going?”
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral