Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
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[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
so this horse walks into a bar
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Why font matters.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause