This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”