[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
HOW DARE YOU
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”