I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.