ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Thursday Thought.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain