*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.