Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave