They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
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Shower sex be like:
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Very good news from my accountant
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.