girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.