What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
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Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.