My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You Might Also Like
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Oh the world we live in…
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End