Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
every. time.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business