i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
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An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
? 💀
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead