[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.