I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The prophecy is fulfilled
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined