People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.