i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.