Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.