Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
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Woke up against my better judgement again
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”