THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
You know…for fall…
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE