Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.