SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
This will never not be funny 😭
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”