I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*