Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
whatcha thinkin bout
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.