Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]