Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Canadian owl: Eh?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I put the mess in domestic.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
December birthdays be like…
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred