{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
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DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.