Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
this chia pet tastes awful
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!