Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Imma just leave this here…………
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad