3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
You Might Also Like
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you