Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
my professor scared me for a second
it was a valiant fight
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
bout dat hot dog summer
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.