I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
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Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!